Monday, October 7, 2013

things just got real.

[I'm giving up on the one-two word post titles. They were a lame idea in retrospect. When do I ever have only one or two words to say about something?]

Can I get a little real with you for a second? Living in Florida is in the top 3 hardest trials I have ever gone through in my entire life.

I know, I know. I obviously have a LOT to be thankful for so I really don't know feel like I have grounds to say anything. I have a great in-law family that really tries to include me in every single thing and has tried to make this as easy as possible. And I have a great ward to be a part of and now a great job that I will be starting soon. (Oh, did I tell you I got a job? More on that in my last post) I am surrounded by gorgeous greenery everywhere I look and we are moving into our temporary home in a couple of weeks! (Again, watch for that post!)

But I have come to the realization that Florida will never be home. And that scares me a little bit. I have never ached for something so much in my whole life. I thought I was homesick my very first semester of college? Ha! And it always hits me at night. I cry a LOT at night thinking about home, missing everything about California and everything I am missing there. My nephews & niece growing up so fast that soon I will just be the weird aunt they seen like once a year. My mom giving me much needing babying consoling and advice while we stay up all night long. Laughing with my dad about hilarious things he says that I know for a fact other people might find offensive, but feeling like I'm still his little girl. And of course, my sisters. My very best friends in this entire world and the only ones I really can be my total and complete self with. Yeah, I miss home so much I almost can't breathe.

All through out my teenage years, I always told myself that leaving home was going to be so easy and that I couldn't wait until I got to be an adult and make my own rules. I dreamed of it....I was so naive. After high school and when I really did leave home for college, that homesick feeling was always masked because I knew it was enough time in between going and staying--never there too long to take it for granted, but never in Idaho too long to actually feel overwhelmingly homesick. Even up until I was married, I was sure that I was going to be just fine. Just James & I making a home together. But sadly, I'm starting to feel like my mom was right. It's really strange to be in a place where your husband has been here since toddlerhood and knows everyone and so everyone knows him, but he is the only person I have known here longer than a full month. So when everyone you do see & know work while you are jobless, you find your days are pretty dang lonely. I have tried to keep myself busy, but there are only so many things you can do.

I really didn't mean for this to be a totally depressing blog post. I was just listening to a conversation about the San Diego temple and suddenly I found myself in that familiar flood of emotions. I would never mean to feel this way, but I was ever so slightly offended! What the heck, right?! It was a joke about how the temple is a little weird in its layout, which I'm sure to other people who have grown up going to other temples, it is.

But that is my temple. The temple I went & did baptisms for the very first time. The first time I went up to the wedding exit and wrote in my journal about going in someday, and then actually going through that very same exit years later. That's the temple all of my best friends and sister were married in. That's the temple where I was sealed to my sweetheart for time & all eternity. The eternity that begins with our life together here in Florida. And although it literally shreds my heart every time I think about California, and especially when I have to hold back tears when my mom weeps over the fact that we will only see each other a very small amount of times a year...I'm really trying to do what's right. And I think Heavenly Father knows that. He's given me signals that He is there and listening to every tear-filled prayer at night. I know He's watching out for James & I and I'm sure part of it is because of this sacrifice. And I do know that there will always be one person by my side, who just happens to be the greatest guy I have ever known and the person I love on this earth more than anything in the whole wide world. He is my first thought in everything and my first priority and I want nothing more than to make James eternally happy & grateful to be my husband.

I found this little quote very comforting tonight.
"I like to tell a young couple who are being married that in the marriage relationship they ought to look first to one another, as they do across the altar during their marriage not first to their parents, not first to their siblings, not first to their friends, but in solving all of their problems, they should look first to one another, because the unity between them under the presiding, loving authority of a Heavenly Father in that triangle… is what will get them over the inevitable problems of marriage." --Elder Oaks, Round table discussion, 2008 Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity.
I know and believe that with all my heart. I don't know what our life has in store for us. It may take us somewhere else, it might lead us to raise our family here for the rest of our lives. But I promised to honor my husband and share every part of my life with him, so that is what I am going to do. I refuse to break that promise and I know that because I love & trust in a very very loving and patient Heavenly Father, He'll take care of us. "After all, there is the promise of 'good things to come.' "


  1. I'm right there with ya, sister. I bawled the night I got home from CA on my last trip. I was not ready to come home. It gets harder and harder every time i go visit. I cant imagine what its like for you- but you aren't alone. Love you and miss you :)

  2. I'm right there with ya, sister. I bawled the night I got home from CA on my last trip. I was not ready to come home. It gets harder and harder every time i go visit. I cant imagine what its like for you- but you aren't alone. Love you and miss you :)


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